Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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