she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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