thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
