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i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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