someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
