No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
