I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize