just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
