Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
