I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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