I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
