I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
