I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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