The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
