Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
