but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
