Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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