Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
