When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
