I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
