Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
