i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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