i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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