i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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