I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
