if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
