they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
