i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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