he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
