someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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