anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
