I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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