Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
