I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just gargled with NyQuil
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
