We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
