Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
