What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
