I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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