i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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