im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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