If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
