I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
