He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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