My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
