Your dad touched me again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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