I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
there's paper in my vomit.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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