He uses pillows to masturbate.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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