i think i have two assholes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
