i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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