I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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