I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
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