Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
