I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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