I forgot how hot balto sounded
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
