in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
