I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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