I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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