I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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