WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
