i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
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Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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