If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
