Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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