So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think im going to throw up on grandma
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
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Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I