My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
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The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I need to calm my uterus...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude