That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.