U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My penis needs a shock collar
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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