I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits