i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
