I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
