onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
