the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
