Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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